När en vän behöver en, då ställer man upp. Har spenderat varenda tillgängliga sekund med henne den sista tiden och därmed har det varit lite dåligt med uppdateringar. Jag älskar ju dock att skriva, så det har jag gjort. Faktum är att jag en kväll satt och skrev allt det som ni strax kommer att läsa, om ni orkar förstås. Ha i åtanke att jag aldrig skriver på engelska, så ta't lugnt med kritiken ;)
"This last couple of days… I mean weeks… maybe months… I have literally been living in a movie. You know that kind of movie
with really cheesy romantic scenes, with endless love, break ups, happy moments and moments that tear you apart. I am not the one hurting now, or well… maybe a bit because when someone I love is in pain - I am in pain too.
My friend, my gorgeous and lovely friend has gone through so much you would not even believe me if I told you everything from the top. I am a person who sympathizes, a lot! I can for example feel the pain in my chest when she tells me about all the things she has been through. Same thing as when I with my own eyes see everything that is going on right now. I can feel it, yet I can never truly understand… because after all I have not walked in her shoes. I have looked at them but never put them on my own feet, if that makes any sense. The feelings I get while listening to her story is nothing compare to what she must have felt, and unfortunately still feel, about all this. What I am trying to say is that if I can feel so deeply just by listening, imagine how it must be for her to actually experience it.
I do not know if she knows it, but she is a fighter… she really is. Yes, of course she has been crying, wanting all this pain to end, but that does not make her weak - it makes her human. It’s weird though, what a good heart can do to you. Having a good heart in a cruel world is hard, that is what makes this girl so incredible strong… even though she might not see it that way herself. I am going tell her every second of every day how amazing she is if that is what it takes to make her see herself through my eyes. I am not exaggerating when I say that I adore her with all my heart and soul. She is crazy, but in a good way. That kind of crazy that puts a smile on your face and make you laugh for hours. That craziness belongs to her personality and without it there would be something important missing, I know her well enough to know that. I will make sure the man or woman who is going to be with her in the future appreciate her crazy side just as much as I do. She has to be with someone who love all her flaws and all her edges... all her perfect imperfections!
Somewhere in all this sorrow I find myself laughing. Why? Because it is kind of ironic that two people who is deeply in love with each other can struggle so much that they have to look past the love and move on… move forward, without each other. They are too different… yet so alike. The love is there but all this stubbornness from both sides, every conversation about pride, fear and last chances… it has been too much. They does not want to hurt each other, but they do… over and over again. And she, this good hearted friend of mine create expectations that he says he can not fulfill which leads to discussion after discussion. But hey, to be honest… who can blame her for telling him about the things she needs from someone she is supposed to call boyfriend and love of her life when she would do all this little things without giving it a second thought, to him. It is not strange that she expect something back. She even made it easy for him by telling him what she wants to get out from the relationship. She should not even have to make clear for him how he is going to treat her… that is something that should come naturally when you love someone.
How do you know if a relationship is really worth fighting for when it has so many ups and downs? A relationship can not be perfect, but balanced. And that is not what you can call this roller-coaster-thing that they have been riding lately… or maybe the entire time when I think about it. It has always been either him or her who has had one foot outside the door and that is a shame. Love should not only appear from one side at the time, everyone is aware of that… but that does not change the fact that it actually can be like that. The main reason is probably because people take things for granted way to often. And when you take things for granted the things you are granted, get taken.
”You don’t know what you have until it’s gone”, that it what they both has realized, many times now, when the other one has walked away… and that it is why they end up together again and again. This time though, this time it is different. Let me put it like this... It sounds strange but I think I can say that I was in love with their love when it was there for real. I love cheesy, I love romantic. Him showing up to play the piano in the middle of the night, giving her red roses and telling her that he can se himself with her in the future… that, and the way he looked at her while talking about life, was the love I want her to have. But behind all this loviedovie-moments there was so much more hiding. I mean, how beautiful the roses may be they can never really compensate for all the difficulties such as fights, pain, sorrow and all those nightmares that has woken her up crying at night with the feeling of having a stone, so big it is hard to breathe, on her chest, can they?
Stupid stupid boy, what is he doing? Walking away from the girl that has the ability to love him more than anyone ever will. He has a heart, I have seen it… But he is a coward who is to scared to listen to it. He thought that she was asking for the world when the truth is she only wanted him to be consistent and to show her love & respect. He will regret this decision one day, he will suffer for sure. She made him believe that real love actually exists but because of his ego and pride he has to look for it somewhere else. He might find someone some day, but that someone will not be her. And he, he will always have something missing in his heart. A hole, a empty hole that desperately screams that it wants her back. Right now, he think he will be fine, he is convinced that he has done everything. But is that the truth? From being absent until she breaks up with him, to be full in and opening up like he never has done before, to all of a sudden shut his heart off and just let the negative thoughts in his brain speak… No wonder she is confused. If he is completely and utterly in love, how hard can it be to just say ”let’s give this a go” when the woman he has been trying to win back finally says she is ready!? Especially when he has told her he would wait for her, no matter how much time she would need. This shows one thing, he is not a man of his words… and he is quite immature, unfortunately. He is afraid of the change the love he has for her does to him and since he is not as strong as she is, he chose the easy road which is to turn his back and walk away.
They both have learned so much from each other about each other…and about themselves. I truly believe they could have continued this relationship but how much can a person really take from another? And is it really worth it? This girl has given him the chance to rip her heart out a millions of times and I can not let that happen again. I have to say though, that I can see something good in all this misery. Because, If it was not for all their struggles in the first place, I might never have got the chance to get to know this beautiful friend of mine who I now love with all my heart. I know, I know… It is a selfish thought but this woman… she is simply amazing and after getting to know her I can not imagine living a life without her as my inspiring friend... it is impossible. She has that affect on people. She shows up and all of a sudden she has this big place in your heart that no one can ever replace. I have heard it, I have seen it and I can feel it myself.
I hope, more than anything that when the time is right she will find someone who love the same way she does. I want her to feel the exact same amount of love that she is spreading to the world just by existing. I want the best for her, I really do! That is why I want her to keep in mind that when everything seems to be going against her she should think of the fact that airplanes takes off against the wind, not with the wind. What is meant to be, will be - so there is no reason to rush nor try to force things. Better times will come and no one deserves a good life and a loving partner as much as she does. Until she find this special someone she can shine on her own and that is precisely what I want her to do. She is a work of art, not everyone will see that but the ones who do will never forget about her. That is why the people she have met in her life can not fully get over her and they never will, simply because there is something special about her. Something that you can not really point out, you just know that it is there.
This girl deserve to be with someone who looks at her every single day like they’ve won the lottery and have the whole world in front of them. Someone who is true, someone who is loyal. Whoever this is going to be, I sincerely hope my lovely friend some day will be so busy loving that she has no time for such things as regret, worry or fear. I wish for this stunning girl to go on with her life now and let all the pain slowly pass away. She should not let him, a guy that does not even know how to treat her right, take her in to the shadow when she is supposed to be standing right under the shining stars"